A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

This was not a sunny day. And everything made me feel as if the world had run out of blue sky. And I felt the clouds weighing on my shoulders.

This was no day for a quiet walk into the fields. This was WAR! The Maginot Line begins here, close to Margut. They called it "l'Ouvrage de la Ferté" and it includes as well army shelters like Moiry, Sainte-Marie, Sapogne and "l'Ouvrage du Chesnois".

I had not a lot of light to take pictures, but I can't help myself wondering if that was because of that darned place or because of me and that oppressive pain that made my stomach turn.
I felt so bad and so strongly being there that I think my camera couldn't have taken pictures of sunshine and fluffy clouds had there been any। Is there a possibility of my feelings influencing a memory card?

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

I thought for a second to take these in sepia, because this place doesn't deserve a choice of colours. But then again, this is how THEY saw it...
I thought to use sepia, as these fields were once covered in blood. But then again, THEIR blood is still here...
I thought about sepia, because this comes from the past। But then again, THEY don't want us to forget...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

This is what shelters looked like -- places were sun beams were not allowed, where the cold and the metal are weapons as well as enemies.

Memories of a normal life are to be left outside। In here, being human is forbidden!

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

These are meant to defend. Apparently.
I'd say they are made to hurt. And they are the fruit of hatred.
If hatred fights hatred, love is never going to win...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

Up or down. Dead or alive. Warm with excitement or cold with fear.
How do we keep sanity when Heaven and Hell share the same roof?
How do we remember to breathe when a millimeter makes all the difference in the world?
And when that millimeter comes from the barrel of a gun...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

"Window"
Not to a garden, not to a street and certainly not with a flower pot!
I wonder how it may feel when fresh air and bullets are synonyms...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

Hurt, but still standing। Just like me holding my camera...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

Some twisted idea of interior decoration, probably meant to make people think they were made themselves in metal.
How about the rust? May that have come from one tear too many?

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

Trying to fit in. But how could they?!?

There are times when I think how it would be like for me to be able to run free around these, just like my doggies. To not care. At least not that much...
I thought about this times and times again, but somehow I always end up choosing pain over not feeling anything at all.
And once more I'll say to myself: "I will NOT let this affect me!" "I will NOT let this affect me!" "I will NOT let this affect me!" "I will NOT let this affect me!" "I will NOT let this affect me!"...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

Lost home for the homeless. This is where words lose their meaning. Where bodies lose their breath. Where souls lose their faith.
And where Earth starts speeding in order to keep up with this succession of instant lives -- lives contained in some sort of (human) package and/or lives lived in an instant.
This is where the memories dwell। And where the memories hurt...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

They say life is given us to fight. I never knew against who or what. I've been always looking for some sort of handbook to tell me what I was supposed to do. Or feel.
This is what I see every day when I go to fight। For life or against it...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

Barbed wire is not necessarily hand-made. Neither is metal.
Sometimes tombs or crosses are. But not in a (modern) war -- too many dead, too little people left to pick up where the world has left off...

But such a tragedy always begins with a hand-made signature. Of a person very far from all of these. And that is the person who recklessly signs a declaration of war...

WAR IS A HAND-MADE EVENT!

So I ask you this: how could we ever forget how "creative" we can be with our hands?

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

I can't help but wondering why army always has this endless pursuit for symmetry and this crazy obsession for parellelism. Similar people, identical uniforms -- standardization turned into first commandment...

From symmetric defence to parallel crosses -- this is how army does its own geometry!

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

I always lived in the country, always had a garden. So I was taught to pay attention to where I walk and on what I step.

War got everything upside down: my hopes, my values, my life.

I was taught to avoid to step on the grass। Now this is no longer possible. I don't have an option anymore...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

You are a soldier. Nothing can hurt you!
You have an uniform. Nothing can touch you!
You are not an ordinary man. Nothing can harm you!

You must not think!
You must not feel!
You shall not fear!

You are made of iron. And iron is meant to protect you!
Don't think of it as cold, see it as a shield!
Use it and it will make you PERFECT!

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

I cried last night. No one heard it, no one saw it. But maybe God did...
I never argued his existance, but I can't be sure that it is a good God or a bad one.
How can the same God create so much beauty and so much hate?
How can he love the same me and my enemy?
How can he forgive all of us?
And who is going to be forgiven first: the one who killes or the one who gets killed?
If God decides what is wrong and what is right, what does that make me?

I found this today in my field of pain. I looked at it and treasured it dearly. I would have wanted to touch it, if not only with the tips of my fingers. But that would have made me look weak, in the eyes of men.
I probably would have been strong in the eyes of God। But then again, it's this same God who is willing to forgive the one who steps on my flower!!!

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

Have you ever thought about learning to fly? I wish I could! No, not like a bird, not far. Just... enough to get me to those green fields in the distance. Far enough to hear the silence.
I want to lie down for a while, to feel the grass on my face again, to see myself reflected in a drop of dew.
If think and feel are not allowed, I'll hide my dreams. I won't let anybody reach to them, no one will ever take them away!
Tell me, have you ever learnt how to fly?

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

I have so much time to spend here not thinking and not feeling...
And in all this time I have this tormenting question rolling from the deepest corner of my soul up to my dry throat: WHY?

I swore my life away for a piece of coloured tissue...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

This is shelter, this is home, be grateful for what you have...

I have to see this all day and still keep my eyes open even when the sight of it turns to pain. But I still have my eyes...
I must stand the smell of this for hours and this seems to never end. But I can still breathe...
I hurt my fingers in this each time I get close to it and my blessings hurt more and more. But I still have my arms...

This is shelter, this is home, be grateful for what you have...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

Someone else is killing in this field, and it is for food. A fox has more reasons to do it than me.

How can life go on no matter what? Doesn't life hurt? Doesn't life asks itself questions? Doesn't life has a conscience? Well then, maybe life's a better soldier than I am!

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

There is never enough light in these fields.
Nothing is friendly here, not even weather...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

A possible way out...

They told me to come. And I did.
They said I should stand up straight. And I did.
They taught me to kill. And I did.
They ordered me to stop crying. And I did.
They asked me to forget about being human. And I did.
They told me to forget everything else. And I did.
They said I must die for my country। And I did...

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

Similar people, identical uniforms. Parallel lives, symmetrical memories.
What else is there to say?

A Thousand Tears Away -- Memories of a Dead Battle Field

I always wondered why to so many crosses there was another added.
I always asked myself why people never ceased to put you on a cross, Jesus.
Now I think maybe they do that to punish you for turning your back on them whenever they need you most. They try to hurt you for each and everyone of their dead.
For every wasted life, for every broken dream or family you go back up on that cross, Jesus. When will you ever learn?
And how do I dare say that to you? Well, I'm not afraid to cast the stone. Not because I am beyond reproach, but because I can take it if you cast it right back at me!
I'm angry because hope was shuttered. And faith. Faith in YOU! And I see myself here trying to gather the pieces of broken dreams and put them together, and form a magical stained-glass in order to reflect light, and colour, and meaning to their lives...
They deserved a miracle too. You shouldn't have denied them that!